I am very lucky that I grew up when I did. I’m very lucky that I didn’t have access to everything I do now back when I was 16.
Because I was a young, angry white male who felt the world was against him.
I am not now. I have learned the things that I absolutely should have been taught.
But at 16, I could have been turned into a domestic terrorist with trivial effort.
And we’re not talking just about being bullied in school for being smart. We’re not talking about the interpersonal drama that makes things like “Dawsons Creek”, “90210” and “Pink Ladies” that make high-school look awesome. We’re not talking about being shunned by your family for being “A Reader”. I heard more than a few times from my own family “Whatchu Reading For?”
Had I been able to find (or had they found me) “The Proud Boys” when I was 16, I probably would have looked closer into them, seen what they were angry about, and reached out to them. OR I would have absolutely been recruited into them. Because BACK THEN I didn’t understand the world, and why it was the way it was. To this day, now at 50, I still have the occasional “Wait, that isn’t fair… oh…”
Let me make this ABSOLUTELY CLEAR. I Was Wrong.
My mindset back then is nothing like my mindset now. The below is for backstory, a lot of which I don’t talk about anymore, because it was wrong then, as it is now, and it will always be wrong. But back then, nobody told me I was wrong, or more importantly, Nobody Explained Why.
Picture This:
In 1989, I was 16, and looking for my first high school job. Money was something other people had. I RARELY had more than a dollar or two in my pocket before I turned 18. The only way I could change this and get money would be to work. I was looking at my third IMMEDIATE “no” on a job I applied for. The manager didn’t even look at my application, just looked at me and said “No”. I wasn’t looking for programming work yet, I wasn’t looking for an office gig. I was 16, I was looking for fast food jobs. Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King…. I was told “No” by them all. None of them would tell me why. Except for ONE.
The Hiring Manager looked at me and pointed to a woman walking to her car. “She just applied for this position. I have the budget for ONE of you two. If I hire you, and not her, I’ll get hit with a discrimination lawsuit. You’re unhireable.”
If you don’t know me, let me clue you in. I’m whiter than mayonnaise on wonderbread. The woman was visibly my opposite. I got mad. I was angry. And I wasn’t mad at HER at all. (I wouldn’t get a job for two more years, and it took the opening of a buffet restaurant that needed dozens of new hires, and me getting in line and waiting for HOURS for them to open the door.)
Forward a year. I’m 17, and applying for college scholarships. Found one, a NICE one, that would have helped, ANY would have helped. I had heard from my school guidance counselor that NOBODY had applied for it in two years, I should. Cool, so I did. I called them up and asked them to confirm it. Yeah, nobody applied for the scholarship yet. I asked how could I apply?
“You can’t, you’re male.” They hung up on me. I called back and finally got an answer, it was for girls only. Ah. Nobody said that, okay, fine. The scholarship didn’t get awarded that year either. I was mad again. This didn’t happen just this anecdotal once. This happened multiple times. My family couldn’t afford to send me to college. I was on my own. So I hit -every- scholarship and grant option. And every time? I was the wrong culture, race, color, and gender, my grades weren’t perfect scores, my SAT score wasn’t a perfect 1600, my parents made too much money for this one, my parents weren’t divorced for that one, and I wasn’t from this church, or that one, or that other thing…. I am as generically ethnic as a glass of water. And nobody gives scholarships to water.
Time and time again, I was turned away at the door. Time and time again, it was my race, ethnicity, religion, or my gender. Only rarely did I get told no because of academics or sports. Nobody cared about me, all they saw was White Boy.
I was MAD. I just wanted a chance.
Back then, I didn’t know what ‘white privilege’ was. I didn’t know what systematic racism was. I didn’t know what gender bias was. My public school education was not exactly telling me this thing I really did need to know here. I ONLY knew that I was being told “no”. So I asked:
“Isn’t denying me based on my gender or skin color racism?”
When I asked this, I had people stare at me like I had said the dumbest thing they had ever heard. I had committed heresy, an unforgivable sin. How could I be SO DUMB? Nobody explained it to me, nobody told me “Here’s why that is incorrect”. I was laughed at for Not Knowing Something SO OBVIOUS…. obvious to everyone else.
I didn’t know. I do now. Nobody told me “This isn’t against you, this is helping others who don’t have the benefits you do.”
That would have made me mad as well. My family wasn’t rich. Not even close. We weren’t on any public assistance, but boy howdy we weren’t far.
It’s hard to see “benefits” when you don’t have a quarter to call for someone to come pick you up because you ran out of gas and now have to walk eight miles home. It is hard to see “privilege” when you can’t even get a job washing dishes. I had nothing and no way out of it.
And I was mad.
That’s EXACTLY what the Proud Boys would have latched onto me with. Come, join us., We Accept You. You’re Right. The World Hates You For Being This.
All Lies.
But at 16 and mostly friendless because I was a Smart, Nerdy Kid who was too scrawny for Sportsball, too lanky for Wrestling, too NERD BOY for any acceptance. Shunned by nearly every one of my peers. Someone saying “Join Us. We Accept You.” would have been an INCREDIBLY hard thing to resist. “Hey, why don’t you just come hang out. You don’t have to join, what will it hurt to just come once?”
I was starving for acceptance. They would have offered it in truckloads.
I am SO glad I kept starving instead.
I’d be dead, or in jail right now. Most likely in jail.
And I now realize how incredibly lucky I am that I did not find these terrorists when I was starving for acceptance.
It probably saved my life.
Don’t laugh at someone like me, who wasn’t told why things are done in certain ways. It took a lot of learning to undo my incorrect thoughts.
So anyway…
I promise, I won’t be this tone of writing all the time. I just had to get it out.